Sometimes, and this was mostly in the past when I was a child, I’d fall into a hobby and it would run it’s course. That’s to be expected. However, as I’ve gotten older hobbies, and everything else I do, are more about “image” and I start to get into something just because it would make me seem interesting. Partially, this is because I don’t seem genuinely interested in doing much.

So formerly, I genuinely interested myself in the hobby and allowed myself to get lost in them. I rarely spoke about them and only did them for my own pleasure.

Getting started into a hobby under false pretenses is what I do now. I get the “stuff” I need, and then talk about it more than I actually do it, and then I eventually give it up because the interest required to keep me going is lacking. Maybe if I get them all down I can more easily stop myself in the future- too often I give up on something and allow myself to erase it from memory (unless, of course, I have “stuff” of it still hanging around)

Creating my own Webcomic

Bluegrass Banjo

Shortwave Radio

Morse Code

the idea that I will someday play the flute again that prevents me from selling the thing (same with the banjo)

It would be nice to “fall” into something that actually interests me AND that I have a natural aptitude for AND which I can extract joy from without exploiting it for personal image enhancement. Will it ever happen again? Or, having come to sexual maturity, am I just sitting around waiting to have babies? (I only say this, not because I want to have babies, but because I often imagine if I had them I probably wouldn’t want to do anything else after that- no work, nothing. just raise the kids.)

I’m on, probably, my third can of spray paint for this project. With every can, they get whiter and whiter. At this point, you can still see the original colors showing through on some places- in other places it is nicely coated. I’m guessing, it will probably take a fourth can. But it will be worth it, because it looks AWESOME!

I’m having a lot of fun with kids arabic learning stuff- and since Arabic is a cultural and religious thing for such a large variety of people there is plenty of it (probably moreso than for any other “second language”). I enjoy taking the approach because I get to play around and regress a little bit. The materials are more hands on and intuitive than the scholarly approach.

There is a friend I’ve made recently who kind of snuck into my life in a way that is breaking my narcissistic traits apart. He seems a lot younger than he really is- so on the surface he seems like the typical “toy” I would come across. But, I’ve found myself having to put a halt to my “plans” every time his maturity makes me feel ashamed for trying to pull one over on him. I’m kind of crouching in the bush the whole time becoming more patient and kitten like as time goes by, and not so much of the tiger that I intended to be. The interesting thing is that I never knew this was going on until I contemplated breaking it off with him. First of all, there was nothing to break in the firs place. We are JUST friends! And he pays more attention to me than almost everybody else in my life combined- yet my reasons for “breaking it off” were that he doesn’t pay enough attention to me. That’s narcissism. I think, the longer I know him the more that part of myself will shrivel up. I’m fully convinced that God has brought him into my life (originally I thought it was the other way around)

Having a narcassist “operating system” is an incredibly difficult pit to get out of, and being a Christian helps a lot. The Holy Spirit is my doctor. The people God is putting in my life are the medicine.